:(

Many things happen recently. It's been da first time my patient die. I can't even help her.She came with GCS 4,dilated pupil, papilledema and the sign of brain herniation.She got stoke 8 hours before admission and the pattern of the attack is quite confusing. My heart was thudding with nervousness. I ran to the depo to get the medication, ran to resuscitation room for the ventilation machine.By the time i start standing beside her with my profuse sweating,her family don't even have the chances to ask for her forgiveness. Even at the time they enter the emergency room, she can't even talk anymore. Some of them cry at that moment but still be there for her and recite prayer. I can sense that she is in pain when i inflate the sphygmo cuff.I felt terrible because make her in pain. As the time goes by and in few minuted there is heart rate rush that followed by irregular respiration. The movement of her thoracic cavity became less expanded and her body temperature became cold.All the things that left is her heart beat.With the guide of the resident, i monitored her heart beat with the use of ECG machine. First it's the time for the ventricle to pump harder. In few seconds the PQRST wave became irregular.SAN no longer show any electrical signal. For around 3 hours i stand beside her together with her family and my job right now is the wait n record the time that she die as there is no more that we can do as the family already decide to let her go. I just observe the ECG machine and some of the family member stared at me and the ECG machine curiously followed by in few time joining me observing the wave pattern. It's funny accually but i said to them just be beside her and continue recite the prayers. Then, the time come and there is no wave at all. My next job is to take her cloth off and help the nurse tie her limb. After few minutes of the declaration of her death, her body became pale like corpse. She is indeed.Reminiscent few years before, i think i can't even handle death moment, i think i would cry but now i don't. Maybe after few months dealing with people's pain , people's life make me became 'less-hearted' person. I did respect with the way she die. It's seems smooth. Maybe she was a good human being before. I wonder how my 'time' would be. I know i am not a good person. I do make mistake. I've sin . Please pray for me to change. I want to be a better person. A descent and pure person like before.

I MUST CHANGE